Serious Stuff

And so it begins! I haven't updated in a few days, but whatever. I'm here to talk about a more serious subject. I just finished a book called Thirteen Reasons Why (you should read it) and it's about this girl who kills herself and she gives thirteen reasons why, hence the title. It really got me thinking about my own experiences with depression. I still go through all of this today, but it's to the point where I'm not even sad. I'm just angry and agitated all the time. Sure I've spent some of my nights crying, but mostly I'm just frustrated. Like, why!? Why is all of this bullshit brought upon me, and then I get angry and stuff gets broken. I'll just get into a mood where I'm really just contemplating the necessity of living. Why is this horrible thing called "life" wasting my time? Then I furiously write in a diary, that I will probably never show to kids because I don't want them to see how messed up Mommy is. All of these thought just sit in my head and I'm jumping to each of them like a bee jumping from flower to flower. It gets all mixed up and then I just explode. I will scream into pillows, throw pillows, throw other objects, punch walls, anything to get my frustration out. My parents say it's "juvenile" but at least I'm not hurting anyone, right? So, then it all leads back to this magical saying I heard, "Everything is good in the end. And if it's not good, then it's not the end." Sooo that's about as far as I'll go with this topic. I'll try to update more, but yeah. And if you're ever thinking about suicide or self-harm, remember that saying. Byyyye!
xoxo